Author Topic: Joke  (Read 24016 times)

Offline woodndesign

  • platinum
  • *****
  • Posts: 2210
  • Cannock Staffordshire
Re: Joke
« Reply #75 on: July 22, 2015, 08:41:10 PM »
Not just a number. L8

Very clever ..   ;) ...
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,"  By Dickens ''''

Offline Dave Brookes

  • bronze
  • ***
  • Posts: 131
Re: Joke
« Reply #76 on: July 22, 2015, 11:38:48 PM »
While attending a marriage guidance seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "McDougal's Self-Raising, isn't it?"
"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and six pence, result happiness."  (Wilkins Micawber)

Offline woodndesign

  • platinum
  • *****
  • Posts: 2210
  • Cannock Staffordshire
Re: Joke
« Reply #77 on: July 23, 2015, 01:26:19 AM »

Pappy arrives a work to see Murphy swinging from the scaffold with a rope tied round his waist.

Alarmed Pappy climbs up to get him down, asking how long he'd been there, was told all night.

Why hadn't he called for help.. Murphy .. I'd had enough and was committing suicide.

To have done that you'd need the rope round your neck.. Murphy .. I'd done that and almost killed myself.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,"  By Dickens ''''

Offline Graham

  • platinum
  • *****
  • Posts: 1251
  • Chairman. www.DidcotTurners.club
Re: Joke
« Reply #78 on: July 23, 2015, 08:44:28 AM »
Or, as I said, L8 if you keep the perspective the same.  :)
Regards
Graham
I have learnt the first rule of woodturning.
The internal diameter should never exceed the external width.
Nor the internal depth, the external height.
Does that make me an expert now ?

Offline GBF

  • platinum
  • *****
  • Posts: 2242
    • Artistry in wood
Re: Joke
« Reply #79 on: July 23, 2015, 08:58:20 PM »

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the
Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he
was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and
they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him
£240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week,
along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day,
does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along
with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat,
occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need
to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

The man that never made a mistake never made anything

Offline TONY MALIN

  • gold
  • ****
  • Posts: 262
  • Rugby Warwickshire
Re: Joke
« Reply #80 on: July 24, 2015, 01:17:58 PM »
Oh dear they can't get much worse.

Offline dr4g0nfly

  • platinum
  • *****
  • Posts: 4416
  • I’ve had my patience tested; I’m negative
Re: Joke
« Reply #81 on: July 24, 2015, 08:42:41 PM »
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'
Oh Lord, Lead me not into temptation…

...Oh who am I kidding, follow me, I know a shortcut!

Offline dr4g0nfly

  • platinum
  • *****
  • Posts: 4416
  • I’ve had my patience tested; I’m negative
Re: Joke
« Reply #82 on: July 24, 2015, 08:42:55 PM »
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

8:00  am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30  am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40  am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got stroked and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00  pm - Played in the garden! My favourite thing!
3:00  pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00  pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00  pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00  pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
Oh Lord, Lead me not into temptation…

...Oh who am I kidding, follow me, I know a shortcut!

Offline dr4g0nfly

  • platinum
  • *****
  • Posts: 4416
  • I’ve had my patience tested; I’m negative
Re: Joke
« Reply #83 on: July 24, 2015, 08:43:07 PM »
Excerpts from a Cat's  Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.  Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. 

The  dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
Oh Lord, Lead me not into temptation…

...Oh who am I kidding, follow me, I know a shortcut!

Offline seventhdevil

  • platinum
  • *****
  • Posts: 1405
Re: Joke
« Reply #84 on: July 24, 2015, 08:56:37 PM »
i take it you don't own cats???

Offline seventhdevil

  • platinum
  • *****
  • Posts: 1405
Re: Joke
« Reply #85 on: July 24, 2015, 08:58:04 PM »
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

8:00  am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30  am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40  am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got stroked and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00  pm - Played in the garden! My favourite thing!
3:00  pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00  pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00  pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00  pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!


where's the,
I got to shag something! My favorite thing!

Offline GBF

  • platinum
  • *****
  • Posts: 2242
    • Artistry in wood
Re: Joke
« Reply #86 on: July 24, 2015, 09:00:08 PM »
Scottish
First Minister.

Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.” The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me." "What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. "I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."
The man that never made a mistake never made anything

Offline Dave Brookes

  • bronze
  • ***
  • Posts: 131
Re: Joke
« Reply #87 on: July 24, 2015, 10:25:40 PM »
Apologies for uppercase but I honestly couldn't face re-typing it!

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING
TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS ​ ​
THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE​  BIMBO
SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND
WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY ,SHE WILL HAVE TO  LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M ​ GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS
BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS;
I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE.. I SPEAK BLONDE.."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES ​BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"SIMPLE, I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO"
"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and six pence, result happiness."  (Wilkins Micawber)

Offline Mark Sanger

  • platinum
  • *****
  • Posts: 808
    • Mark Sanger Web Site
Re: Joke
« Reply #88 on: July 26, 2015, 05:00:38 PM »

'I took the wife’s family out for tea biscuits. They weren’t too happy about having to give blood though.'  Les Dawson


Offline Dave Brookes

  • bronze
  • ***
  • Posts: 131
Re: Joke
« Reply #89 on: August 02, 2015, 08:30:33 PM »
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at B&Q, Homebase, Wickes, Screwfix or even Tesco. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last months I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Squeegee, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on June. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Asda has wallets on sale for £2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones at the 99p shop and bought all the stock in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and six pence, result happiness."  (Wilkins Micawber)