Joke

[bodrighywood]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window?

[woodndesign]

Why do I feel as if I'd been bitten by a shaggy dog?

How far can a rabbit run into a wood ? Halfway.

Constantinople is a very long word can you spell it?

IT

[Dave Brookes]

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.
"I'll give you a bag of sweets if you get in the car", said the male driver.
"No way, get lost", replied the boy.
"How about a bag of sweets and £10?" asked the driver?
"No way", replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of sweets and £20 eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling along slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in that car!" answered the boy.
"OK, I know what you want - I'll give you £100 and a bag of  sweets", the driver offered.
"NO," screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied:
 "Listen Dad. You bought the​ KIA Picanto - you live with it!"

[Bryan Milham]

An engineer dies

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Bryan Milham]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh!#..."

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN * x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[bodrighywood]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh!#..."

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN * x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

This isn't a joke Brian, it's factual.

Pete

[TONY MALIN]

I thought a hammer was a Brummie's screwdriver.

[Mark Sanger]

Mark, what you give to a man who has everything is a shed to put it in,
Ron

ha ha, too true.

[fuzzyturns]

Now you are discriminating against the Brummies!
Plus, I have seen the practice elsewhere in the world, but then maybe these were exiled Brummies.

[Dave Brookes]

Then there was the dyslexic atheist insomniac who lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

[The Bowler Hatted Turner]

Dyslexics of the world untie!

[Bryan Milham]

In reposte to John,

Queen Elizabeth II - Rules UK

[burywoodturners]

I would like to be dyslexic, but I cant spell
Ron

[Dave Brookes]

Ron,
Have you tried Vicks Sinex spray?

[GBF]

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local saw mill.One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the sawmill.A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to the Hospital.Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.


But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.Wearily, Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to the hospital.Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in.""No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".