Author Topic: Joke  (Read 34208 times)

Offline seventhdevil

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Re: Joke
« Reply #60 on: July 15, 2015, 05:11:16 PM »
i always liked this one from the late great les dawson...



it's the mother in law's funeral tomorrow,


she's canceled it...........

Offline steve w

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Re: Joke
« Reply #61 on: July 15, 2015, 07:52:30 PM »
i always liked this one from the late great les dawson...



it's the mother in law's funeral tomorrow,


she's canceled it...........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuFy3iCZ3x8&feature=player_detailpage
why do i feel the need to turn a block of wood into shavings?

Offline GBF

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Re: Joke
« Reply #62 on: July 20, 2015, 08:22:25 PM »

Paddy and Denny were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.The sign read... "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal"Denny look at these prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."


"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Denny.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3..00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each. And oy’ll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied "This is a dry-cleaners.
The man that never made a mistake never made anything

Offline bodrighywood

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Re: Joke
« Reply #63 on: July 20, 2015, 10:37:19 PM »

An old blind man wanders into an all girl biker pub by mistake.... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a double Glenfiddich. 
After sitting there for a while, he calls to the barman -
'Hey,  want hear a blonde joke?'
The whole bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says -
'Before you tell that joke Chum, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things':
1. The ‘barman’ is a blonde girl with a cricket bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a pick-axe handle.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 14 stone blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Chum... Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?'
The old chap thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No, not if I have to explain it five times.......
Turners don't make mistakes, they have design opportunities

Offline Dave Brookes

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Re: Joke
« Reply #64 on: July 20, 2015, 11:36:43 PM »
In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader...
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:"

"DON'T SELL THAT COW."


"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and six pence, result happiness."  (Wilkins Micawber)

Offline GBF

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Re: Joke
« Reply #65 on: July 21, 2015, 09:38:42 AM »

Starting a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Wilson, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Henry. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'


The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Wilson, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Brown since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair
The man that never made a mistake never made anything

Offline GBF

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Re: Joke
« Reply #66 on: July 21, 2015, 09:40:39 AM »

A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying a drink with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome man enters.

He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him. The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her.

Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring he leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20. But only on one condition."


Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man's hand along with her address.

She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says, "Clean my house!"
The man that never made a mistake never made anything

Offline Dave Brookes

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Re: Joke
« Reply #67 on: July 21, 2015, 12:42:32 PM »

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got in the lift and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the pavement skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked harder and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the pavement and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch!
"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and six pence, result happiness."  (Wilkins Micawber)

Offline GBF

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Re: Joke
« Reply #68 on: July 21, 2015, 04:27:29 PM »
That is so funny
The man that never made a mistake never made anything

Offline steve w

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Re: Joke
« Reply #69 on: July 22, 2015, 05:41:55 AM »
 :)
why do i feel the need to turn a block of wood into shavings?

Offline Graham

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Re: Joke
« Reply #70 on: July 22, 2015, 09:16:39 AM »
Not just a number. L8
Regards
Graham
I have learnt the first rule of woodturning.
The internal diameter should never exceed the external width.
Nor the internal depth, the external height.
Does that make me an expert now ?

Offline Dave Brookes

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Re: Joke
« Reply #71 on: July 22, 2015, 11:16:45 AM »

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 F degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 F degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off almost immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner, ' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

There was no way that old man Ford was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and six pence, result happiness."  (Wilkins Micawber)

Offline Graham

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Re: Joke
« Reply #72 on: July 22, 2015, 11:44:05 AM »
 ::) ::) ::)  ;D ;D ;D
Regards
Graham
I have learnt the first rule of woodturning.
The internal diameter should never exceed the external width.
Nor the internal depth, the external height.
Does that make me an expert now ?


Offline steve w

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why do i feel the need to turn a block of wood into shavings?