Author Topic: Joke  (Read 19346 times)

Offline Mark Sanger

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Joke
« on: July 03, 2015, 04:17:58 PM »
here is something that may make you smile or groan, any ways, add yours if you like as long as they are PC.

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Offline GBF

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Re: Joke
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2015, 06:31:51 PM »
 ::) ::) ::)
The man that never made a mistake never made anything

Offline Mark Sanger

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Re: Joke
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2015, 09:40:45 PM »
 know it is just too high brow for you.

how  about this one

Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one looks at the other and says,,, 'Damn'

Offline bodrighywood

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Re: Joke
« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2015, 09:44:44 PM »
I think my kids used to have that book Mark, drove me nuts quoting it on long journeys LOL. Keep 'em coming.

Pete
Turners don't make mistakes, they have design opportunities

Offline bodrighywood

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Re: Joke
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2015, 10:19:21 PM »
Why do fish sing off key? Becaus you can't tuna fish.

Turners don't make mistakes, they have design opportunities

Offline steve w

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Re: Joke
« Reply #5 on: July 04, 2015, 06:34:08 AM »
why do bees have sticky hair - because they have a honeycombe....

What do you call a pig that knows karate? - A pork chop!   :-[
why do i feel the need to turn a block of wood into shavings?

Offline Mark Sanger

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Re: Joke
« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2015, 07:59:30 AM »
 ;D ;D ;D very good, keep them coming, interesting to see who can find the most hilarious.

Here's another that my my daughter of 9 yrs old told me one day after coming home from school some years ago.


'Why do Squirrels swim on their backs'

'I don't know, why do squirrels swim on their backs'

'so they can keep their nuts dry'

 ::) ::) ;D ;D


Offline GBF

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Re: Joke
« Reply #7 on: July 04, 2015, 08:16:34 AM »
Two Irishmen apply for jobs on the building site. The Foreman interviews the first man and asks his name  Me name is Pat Sor says the first man. The foreman said I am not giving you a job your name is obviously Patrick you need to learn some manners.
What's your name he asks the second man. Not wanting to lose the job the second man thinks I will be clever here Tis Micktrick Sor so it is.
The man that never made a mistake never made anything

andersonec

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Re: Joke
« Reply #8 on: July 04, 2015, 01:10:31 PM »
 
Received these from  a friend the other day so you may have seen them before..

And for a giggle have a look at these...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L1Ygzke_84


----------------------------------------

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.

Logic!!
_______________________________

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:         Here it is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:         Maria.

_______________________________

TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using the tables.

_______________________________

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.  

(I  Love this child)

_______________________________

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.  

_______________________________

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!

_______________________________

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?  
GLEN:          Well, I'm a  lot closer to the ground than you are.  

_______________________________

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I'
MILLIE:         I  is...
TEACHER:     No, Millie...... always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'      

_______________________________

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:          Because George still had  the axe in his hand......    

_______________________________

TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.  

______________________________

TEACHER:       Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE   :         No sir, It's the same dog.    

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

____________________________

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher

_______________________________

« Last Edit: July 04, 2015, 01:42:48 PM by andersonec »

Offline Mark Sanger

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Re: Joke
« Reply #9 on: July 04, 2015, 06:47:52 PM »
Andersonec

Hilarious, we have all been sat here laughing our heads off at the cat video, the jokes are great too, thank you for sharing, always good to have a laugh.

Offline burywoodturners

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Re: Joke
« Reply #10 on: July 04, 2015, 08:18:42 PM »
Two parrots in the jungle were on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

Offline Mark Sanger

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Re: Joke
« Reply #11 on: July 04, 2015, 09:58:21 PM »
Two parrots in the jungle were on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

ha ha, but of course.

Offline Mark Sanger

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Re: Joke
« Reply #12 on: July 04, 2015, 10:18:00 PM »
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Offline GBF

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Re: Joke
« Reply #13 on: July 06, 2015, 08:43:46 AM »
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
 The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
 "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.


The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent
The man that never made a mistake never made anything

Offline GBF

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Re: Joke
« Reply #14 on: July 06, 2015, 09:31:17 AM »


After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
 The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

 The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.  A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
 The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
‘Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. 
 So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.  He held the can up to his ear and began to count, '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.   
 This procedure also works in Leicester, parts of Wiltshire, Yorkshire and anywhere in Wales!

 
The man that never made a mistake never made anything