AWGB Woodturning Forum
General Category => General Discussion => Topic started by: Mark Sanger on July 03, 2015, 04:17:58 PM
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here is something that may make you smile or groan, any ways, add yours if you like as long as they are PC.
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
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::) ::) ::)
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know it is just too high brow for you.
how about this one
Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one looks at the other and says,,, 'Damn'
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I think my kids used to have that book Mark, drove me nuts quoting it on long journeys LOL. Keep 'em coming.
Pete
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Why do fish sing off key? Becaus you can't tuna fish.
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why do bees have sticky hair - because they have a honeycombe....
What do you call a pig that knows karate? - A pork chop! :-[
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;D ;D ;D very good, keep them coming, interesting to see who can find the most hilarious.
Here's another that my my daughter of 9 yrs old told me one day after coming home from school some years ago.
'Why do Squirrels swim on their backs'
'I don't know, why do squirrels swim on their backs'
'so they can keep their nuts dry'
::) ::) ;D ;D
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Two Irishmen apply for jobs on the building site. The Foreman interviews the first man and asks his name Me name is Pat Sor says the first man. The foreman said I am not giving you a job your name is obviously Patrick you need to learn some manners.
What's your name he asks the second man. Not wanting to lose the job the second man thinks I will be clever here Tis Micktrick Sor so it is.
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Received these from a friend the other day so you may have seen them before..
And for a giggle have a look at these...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L1Ygzke_84
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Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
Logic!!
_______________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
_______________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using the tables.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
_______________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_______________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I'
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie...... always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'
_______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand......
_______________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No sir, It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
____________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
_______________________________
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Andersonec
Hilarious, we have all been sat here laughing our heads off at the cat video, the jokes are great too, thank you for sharing, always good to have a laugh.
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Two parrots in the jungle were on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"
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Two parrots in the jungle were on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"
ha ha, but of course.
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent
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After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
‘Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Leicester, parts of Wiltshire, Yorkshire and anywhere in Wales!
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A Guy's waiting at the doctors surgery and a young Nun rushes out of the consulting room crying.
The Guy's called, an asks the Doctor if it had been bad news for the Nun, Doctor replied he'd told her she was pregnant.
Shocked ... the Guy then asked was she'''''' Doctor says no ''' but it cured her hiccups...
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An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing.
He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks.
“ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies
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Wandering inside a pet store,
I stopped in front of a birdcage to
admire a parakeet.
We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”
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have removed all of my Jokes because I was told they were not PC whatever that is.
Regards George
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have removed all of my Jokes because I was told they were not PC whatever that is.
Regards George
PC means Politically Correct, something that started to come into being during the last half of the 20th century and has carried on into this one. :), keep up George :) :) :) ;D ;D ;D
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The best jokes usually aren't George. People least likely to take offence though are the ones they are aimed at.
Pete
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PC stands for pure crap in my opinion, some of the best humour is non PC and long may it be that way.
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I'm very much of a mind to ask George to put his jokes back on. This is not the houses of parliament and not the beebs, and if somebody takes office, then let's hear it and have it out in the open.
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have removed all of my Jokes because I was told they were not PC whatever that is.
Regards George
PC means Politically Correct, something that started to come into being during the last half of the 20th century and has carried on into this one. :), keep up George :) :) :) ;D ;D ;D
Shame is the new PC is now titled Hate Speech ... and freedom is along gone thing of the past, with morality.
Lets get back to the jokes.... Doctor ... I think I'm a pair of curtains ... reply .. now lad, pull yourself together .... :D ..
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Really struggling to think of any funny jokes that don't involve race gender etc. ..............
Pete
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well spit'em out then pete, i really don't think anyone will phone the police...
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Many of you may feel that PC is Cxxp etc etc etc, indeed I too enjoy many comedians that are far from PC but that is in my own home in my own time when I know that the people watching will not be offended.
There are however many comedians that are funny who do not need to be racist, sexist, bigoted etc, they are the clever ones and while I appreciate some of you may struggle to find clean humor funny this is my thread and I put at the beginning that I only wanted PC jokes.
The reason that I ask for PC jokes was not that I would find offence in anything you may say to me in the corner of the pub or in my own living room, but because this is an open forum that can be viewed by anyone and it is run by the AWGB.
It is not my own forum, and I am sure the AWGB does not want to get a label of supporting a load of ignorant bigots that don't have even the most basic level of intelligence to be able to come up with a decent funny joke between them. ;)
Also again while I would not take offence I respect that some may and therefore this thread is for PC-funny jokes, if you don't like it you know what you can do. :) :)
Start your own thread and see how long it lasts for.
So as David says let us get back to the jokes. :)
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
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So Mother in law jokes are PC are they ::) ::) ::)
Regards George
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In that case
I haven't spoken to my mother - in - law for two years. We haven't quarreled. I just don't like to interrupt her.
Pete
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So Mother in law jokes are PC are they ::) ::) ::)
Regards George
Oh dear George if you have to ask me that their is no hope for you :)
It is not implying the mother in law is stupid, daft, lesser than the father in law, it is not saying that due to her hair colour she fell down the well, it is a statement that the person (which is not specific to any negatives about that person was in any way due to her falling down the well) was just mother in law.
It was so easy and I thought you were a fisherman.
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It's equality that counts. Equal rights for all.
If a mother in law has the right to fall down a well then so should the Father in law.
<that was funny when I thought it. Not sure now :)>
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''
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It's equality that counts. Equal rights for all.
If a mother in law has the right to fall down a well then so should the Father in law.
<that was funny when I thought it. Not sure now :)>
I am sure if it was a lady that told the joke at the time and not Tommy Cooper then it would have been Father in Law. But then if it is equality we may be being prejudiced about only including people that are directly related through married
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Q: What should you give a man who has everything?
A: A woman to show him how to work it.
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'I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one". '
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The funniest thing on here is the way George gets them to take the bait. Remember "who's Ray Key" !
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Who started this??????
Here's A heartwarming story...
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,
" the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no ! easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
* * * * * * * *
OK -- come on now! ... you really didn't think there was really such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story ... did you????
Andy
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The funniest thing on here is the way George gets them to take the bait. Remember "who's Ray Key" !
That's certainly one of the best jokes posted so far Tony
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Why do I feel as if I'd been bitten by a shaggy dog?
How far can a rabbit run into a wood ? Halfway.
Constantinople is a very long word can you spell it?
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OK, so lawyers are fair game, too?
What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in concrete? Not enough concrete.
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Mark, what you give to a man who has everything is a shed to put it in,
Ron
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Here's a joke of all you mind readers out there...
...
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and a box of matches to his wife. Safety matches of course as laid down in his risk assessment, labelled 'keep out of reach of the children'
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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window?
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Why do I feel as if I'd been bitten by a shaggy dog?
How far can a rabbit run into a wood ? Halfway.
Constantinople is a very long word can you spell it?
IT
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One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.
"I'll give you a bag of sweets if you get in the car", said the male driver.
"No way, get lost", replied the boy.
"How about a bag of sweets and £10?" asked the driver?
"No way", replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of sweets and £20 eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling along slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in that car!" answered the boy.
"OK, I know what you want - I'll give you £100 and a bag of sweets", the driver offered.
"NO," screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied:
"Listen Dad. You bought the KIA Picanto - you live with it!"
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An engineer dies
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh!#..."
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN * x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh!#..."
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN * x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
This isn't a joke Brian, it's factual.
Pete
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I thought a hammer was a Brummie's screwdriver.
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Mark, what you give to a man who has everything is a shed to put it in,
Ron
ha ha, too true.
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Now you are discriminating against the Brummies!
Plus, I have seen the practice elsewhere in the world, but then maybe these were exiled Brummies.
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Then there was the dyslexic atheist insomniac who lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.
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Dyslexics of the world untie!
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In reposte to John,
Queen Elizabeth II - Rules UK
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I would like to be dyslexic, but I cant spell
Ron
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Ron,
Have you tried Vicks Sinex spray?
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Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local saw mill.One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the sawmill.A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to the Hospital.Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.Wearily, Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to the hospital.Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in.""No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".
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i always liked this one from the late great les dawson...
it's the mother in law's funeral tomorrow,
she's canceled it...........
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i always liked this one from the late great les dawson...
it's the mother in law's funeral tomorrow,
she's canceled it...........
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuFy3iCZ3x8&feature=player_detailpage
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Paddy and Denny were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.The sign read... "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal"Denny look at these prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Denny.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3..00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each. And oy’ll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied "This is a dry-cleaners.
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An old blind man wanders into an all girl biker pub by mistake.... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a double Glenfiddich.
After sitting there for a while, he calls to the barman -
'Hey, want hear a blonde joke?'
The whole bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says -
'Before you tell that joke Chum, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things':
1. The ‘barman’ is a blonde girl with a cricket bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a pick-axe handle.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 14 stone blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Chum... Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?'
The old chap thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No, not if I have to explain it five times.......
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In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader...
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:"
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
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Starting a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Wilson, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Henry. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Wilson, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Brown since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair
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A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying a drink with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome man enters.
He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him. The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her.
Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring he leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20. But only on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man's hand along with her address.
She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says, "Clean my house!"
-
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.
He got in the lift and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the pavement skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked harder and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."
He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the pavement and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch!
-
That is so funny
-
:)
-
Not just a number. L8
-
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 F degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 F degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off almost immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner, ' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
There was no way that old man Ford was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
-
::) ::) ::) ;D ;D ;D
-
:)
87
-
:)
87
well done ;D
-
Not just a number. L8
Very clever .. ;) ...
-
While attending a marriage guidance seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "McDougal's Self-Raising, isn't it?"
-
Pappy arrives a work to see Murphy swinging from the scaffold with a rope tied round his waist.
Alarmed Pappy climbs up to get him down, asking how long he'd been there, was told all night.
Why hadn't he called for help.. Murphy .. I'd had enough and was committing suicide.
To have done that you'd need the rope round your neck.. Murphy .. I'd done that and almost killed myself.
-
Or, as I said, L8 if you keep the perspective the same. :)
-
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the
Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he
was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and
they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him
£240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week,
along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day,
does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along
with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat,
occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need
to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
-
Oh dear they can't get much worse.
-
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'
'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'
-
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got stroked and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the garden! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
-
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
-
i take it you don't own cats???
-
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got stroked and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the garden! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
where's the,
I got to shag something! My favorite thing!
-
Scottish
First Minister.
Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.” The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me." "What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. "I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."
-
Apologies for uppercase but I honestly couldn't face re-typing it!
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING
TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO
SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND
WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY ,SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS
BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS;
I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE.. I SPEAK BLONDE.."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"SIMPLE, I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO"
-
'I took the wife’s family out for tea biscuits. They weren’t too happy about having to give blood though.' Les Dawson
-
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at B&Q, Homebase, Wickes, Screwfix or even Tesco. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last months I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Squeegee, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen on June. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Asda has wallets on sale for £2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones at the 99p shop and bought all the stock in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
-
'I took the wife’s family out for tea biscuits. They weren’t too happy about having to give blood though.' Les Dawson
..on the subject of Les Dawson, I recall his joke about the poverty of his upbringing. He claimed that prior to his 3rd birthday he had never ventured out of doors because they were too poor to buy clothes. As a 3rd birthday present, his parents therefore bought him a cap........ so that he could look out of the window.
Les
-
'I took the wife’s family out for tea biscuits. They weren’t too happy about having to give blood though.' Les Dawson
..on the subject of Les Dawson, I recall his joke about the poverty of his upbringing. He claimed that prior to his 3rd birthday he had never ventured out of doors because they were too poor to buy clothes. As a 3rd birthday present, his parents therefore bought him a cap........ so that he could look out of the window.
Les
:D :D :D :D :D :D
-
Answers most problems I think
-
The foreman of an Irish road crew employed Paddy to paint the white lines down the middle of the road. He told Paddy that he should paint two miles of road in a day’s work.
After the first day, the foreman was pleased to find that he'd painted four miles of road instead of the two required.
On the second day, Paddy completed painting just 2 miles of road. The foreman was a bit disappointed, but didn’t complain as this was, after all, only what he’d asked for.
On day 3, the foreman was disappointed to find that Paddy had painted only one mile of road, and so asked, "On yer first day, ya adid four moiles o’ road. On yer second ya did two moiles. But on yer tird day ya only did one moil. What’s up?”
Paddy replied, "Well, oil tell ya what’s up, but I tought a clever bloke loik you woulda been able ta figger it out fer yerself! Yer see, every day I gets ferder an’ ferder away from de paint can!”
-
> A tourist in Vienna is
>
> going through a graveyard and
> all of a sudden
>
> he hears music. No one is
> around so he starts
>
> searching for the source.
>
> He finally locates the origin
> and finds
>
> it is coming from a grave
> with a headstone that
>
> reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven,
> 1770- 1827". Then
>
> he realizes that the
>
> music is Beethoven's Ninth
> Symphony and it is being
>
> played backward!
>
>
>
> Puzzled, he leaves the
> graveyard
>
> and persuades a friend to
> return with him. By
>
> the time they arrive back at
> the grave, the music has
>
> changed. This time it is the
> Seventh
>
> Symphony, but like the
> previous piece, it is
>
> being played backwards.
>
>
>
> Curious, the men agree to
> consult
>
> a music scholar. When they
> return with the
>
> expert, the Fifth Symphony is
>
> playing again backwards.
>
>
>
> The expert notices that the
> symphonies are
>
> being played in the reverse
>
> order in which they were
> composed, the 9th then
>
> the 7th then the 5th.
>
>
>
> By the next day the word has
> spread, and a
>
> crowd has gathered around
>
> the grave. They are all
> listening to
>
> the Second Symphony being
> played backward.
>
> Just then the graveyard's
>
> caretaker ambles up to the
> group.
>
>
>
> Someone in the group asks him
> if
>
> he has an explanation for the
> music.
>
>
>
> "I would have thought it was
> obvious," the
>
> caretaker says.
>
>
>
>
>
"He's decomposing."